I saw this title under "Pets" on craigslist and it started me thinking - always an interesting experience. So, is the dog 95% male, and if so, is the other 5% his feminine, sensitive side?
What if we were categorized that way?
"Oh yes, my husband is 85% male. The other 15% likes to dress in my clothes."
"Looking for love - wanted a 90% female; the other 10% should be able to do home repairs and have own tools".
I could see people filling out applications where instead of checking "male" or "female", putting percentages in each box.
Name: Lee Lost
Sex: Male: 50% Female: 50%
I'm kinda loving this idea. I probably range from 80% to 99% female, depending on the day and the situation. People might want to know ahead of time so they can stay away from me when I'm in that 80% range. So, instead of asking people "How are you today?", maybe we should be asking "What's you percentage today?"
If I knew a male friend was only 75% male one day, I'd probably be comfortable asking him to watch "America's Next Top Model" or "Say Yes to the Dress" with me.
If my female friend was 100% female that day, I would forego the trip to Home Depot with her and instead enjoy an afternoon of chocolates and "When Harry Met Sally".
Life could become a heck of a lot easier with that information.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Life Lessons From My Dog
Without saying a word, Seymour my 7 pound Chihuahua, has taught me how to live life to the fullest.
1. Show your love to the person you live with every day. Seymour is genuinely happy to see me wake up every morning. He shows me that by looking me in the eyes and licking me, then rolling over on his back to allow me to enjoy the feel of his tummy. The longer I rub his tummy, the more he seems to love me.
2. Be persistent in working toward your goals. When Seymour wants to take a walk, he first jumps on me and stares in my eyes. If that doesn't work, he patiently sits on my chest with his tail wagging slowly - waiting. Finally if I show any signs of movement, he jumps up, wags his whole body and does his "happy pant". By then, I can't resist helping him to reach his goal. I grab the leash and we happily (he mostly) head towards the door.
3. Be patient and realize that no matter how much you wish otherwise, some things just take time. Seymour teaches me this almost every day on our walks. He seems to have a "poop ritual" that has to occur before the "outcome" is met. Through the minutes of circling, squatting, changing positions, squatting again, circling again, and finally finding the exact spot, he gets to his "outcome". He never shows impatience or signs of stress no matter how long it takes. Sometimes perfection just takes time.
4. Don't settle for less than you desire. Seymour has shown me that if I really want something, I need to accept nothing less. For example, he will only eat chicken tenders as a treat. He is often offered doggie biscuits, meat flavored bones or fake bacon bits. He will politely sniff them and then walk away. He's not obnoxious about it, he just shows that he has standards.
5. Be friendly to everyone. Seymour has taught me that it takes little effort to smile, wag you tail and get close enough to people to allow them to pet you. It only takes a few minutes and often makes that person's day. And it feels good. A win-win situation.
6. Take time to relax every day. Seymour plays hard, walks hard and eats - OK, but in between he finds time to take a nap - or multiple naps. I swear he doesn't look a day over three - and he looks well rested.
7. Stand your ground. If Seymour doesn't want to do something he hides in his crate or under the bed. No amount of bribing or sweet talking will make him change his mind. If I have a "gut feeling" about something, Seymour has taught me to follow it and it's usually the right decision. Of course he has missed out on some scrumptious bacon pieces while hiding, but he knows they will be offered again - on his time frame.
If he had opposing thumbs, he could write a best selling self-help book.
1. Show your love to the person you live with every day. Seymour is genuinely happy to see me wake up every morning. He shows me that by looking me in the eyes and licking me, then rolling over on his back to allow me to enjoy the feel of his tummy. The longer I rub his tummy, the more he seems to love me.
2. Be persistent in working toward your goals. When Seymour wants to take a walk, he first jumps on me and stares in my eyes. If that doesn't work, he patiently sits on my chest with his tail wagging slowly - waiting. Finally if I show any signs of movement, he jumps up, wags his whole body and does his "happy pant". By then, I can't resist helping him to reach his goal. I grab the leash and we happily (he mostly) head towards the door.
3. Be patient and realize that no matter how much you wish otherwise, some things just take time. Seymour teaches me this almost every day on our walks. He seems to have a "poop ritual" that has to occur before the "outcome" is met. Through the minutes of circling, squatting, changing positions, squatting again, circling again, and finally finding the exact spot, he gets to his "outcome". He never shows impatience or signs of stress no matter how long it takes. Sometimes perfection just takes time.
4. Don't settle for less than you desire. Seymour has shown me that if I really want something, I need to accept nothing less. For example, he will only eat chicken tenders as a treat. He is often offered doggie biscuits, meat flavored bones or fake bacon bits. He will politely sniff them and then walk away. He's not obnoxious about it, he just shows that he has standards.
5. Be friendly to everyone. Seymour has taught me that it takes little effort to smile, wag you tail and get close enough to people to allow them to pet you. It only takes a few minutes and often makes that person's day. And it feels good. A win-win situation.
6. Take time to relax every day. Seymour plays hard, walks hard and eats - OK, but in between he finds time to take a nap - or multiple naps. I swear he doesn't look a day over three - and he looks well rested.
7. Stand your ground. If Seymour doesn't want to do something he hides in his crate or under the bed. No amount of bribing or sweet talking will make him change his mind. If I have a "gut feeling" about something, Seymour has taught me to follow it and it's usually the right decision. Of course he has missed out on some scrumptious bacon pieces while hiding, but he knows they will be offered again - on his time frame.
If he had opposing thumbs, he could write a best selling self-help book.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Amazing Race - Old Folks Style
I am addicted to "The Amazing Race" and have dreamed about participating in it. As much as I would like to believe that I could get through a few of the legs of the race, I think I need a more "age-appropriate" race.
I've devised a Race for us older, but don't think we're old, folks that still enjoy a challenge.
Leg 1 - Drink 1 quart of water and run 2 blocks to a locked restroom - find the correct key to unlock the door and then find the stall that is in working order and use it. If you dribble anywhere along the way, you must start over. The last person to arrive may be eliminated or may be given Depends to use during the next leg of the race.
Leg 2 - Roadblock - only one person can do this. Look in the refrigerator and pantry to find 10 picture of items that you need to buy at the grocery store. Without writing them down, run 2 blocks to the store while wearing an ipod playing "Born to be Wild". Purchase all 10 items and take them back to the house. Replace each picture with the item you purchased. If you forget an item or items, you must go back and get them - again wearing your ipod. If you need to make more than 3 trips, you may be eliminated and sent to cognitive therapy.
Leg 3 - Drive your car 5 miles behind senior citizens going to a discounted early lunch buffet. You have 10 minutes to get to the location on your map. You are not allowed to curse at the other drivers. Your blood pressure must be in the normal range when you reach your destination or you may be eliminated - or taken to the emergency room.
Leg 4 - Learn the moves to Beyonce's "Put a Ring On It" and do the dance for a preschool class. If they feel that you did it right, they will give you your next clue. You are not allowed to argue with the preschoolers - they know the moves.
Leg 5 - Set a VCR to record a "season pass" to two shows, "Real World" and "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", then re-set the clock on a sports watch to Day Light Savings Time. When you do these correctly, make your way to the finish line at Happy Trails Nursing Home. The first to arrive will receive one year of free care at the nursing home and 52 coupons for the buffet special down the street. Good Luck!
Now I just need to know - Where do I sign up?
I've devised a Race for us older, but don't think we're old, folks that still enjoy a challenge.
Leg 1 - Drink 1 quart of water and run 2 blocks to a locked restroom - find the correct key to unlock the door and then find the stall that is in working order and use it. If you dribble anywhere along the way, you must start over. The last person to arrive may be eliminated or may be given Depends to use during the next leg of the race.
Leg 2 - Roadblock - only one person can do this. Look in the refrigerator and pantry to find 10 picture of items that you need to buy at the grocery store. Without writing them down, run 2 blocks to the store while wearing an ipod playing "Born to be Wild". Purchase all 10 items and take them back to the house. Replace each picture with the item you purchased. If you forget an item or items, you must go back and get them - again wearing your ipod. If you need to make more than 3 trips, you may be eliminated and sent to cognitive therapy.
Leg 3 - Drive your car 5 miles behind senior citizens going to a discounted early lunch buffet. You have 10 minutes to get to the location on your map. You are not allowed to curse at the other drivers. Your blood pressure must be in the normal range when you reach your destination or you may be eliminated - or taken to the emergency room.
Leg 4 - Learn the moves to Beyonce's "Put a Ring On It" and do the dance for a preschool class. If they feel that you did it right, they will give you your next clue. You are not allowed to argue with the preschoolers - they know the moves.
Leg 5 - Set a VCR to record a "season pass" to two shows, "Real World" and "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", then re-set the clock on a sports watch to Day Light Savings Time. When you do these correctly, make your way to the finish line at Happy Trails Nursing Home. The first to arrive will receive one year of free care at the nursing home and 52 coupons for the buffet special down the street. Good Luck!
Now I just need to know - Where do I sign up?
Monday, May 10, 2010
Looking for Older Inspiration
There are many inspirational people around like Lance Armstrong and Michael Dell but as I get older, I need to feel that there is still time for me to excel in something. I needed to find older people who could inspire me. Here's who I've found:
1. Winifred Prestell - Started power lifting at age 60 and at 68 set the world record for her age group by bench pressing 176.2 lbs. I was inspired by her as I was hauling, breathlessly, my 2 cu ft of potting soil from my car to the back yard. I only had to put it down once.
2. Buster Martin - oldest employee at 102 (thanks to poor retirement funds, I think I might beat that record) and oldest marathon runner. I was inspired by him as I decided to walk my dog twice around the block instead of once.
3. Grandma Moses - didn't start painting until she was 76 and only did that because her arthritis made it hard for her to do her embroidery. I was inspired by her when I decided to taking painting lessons within the next 10 years, but I bought my supplies, just in case. I mean, I read about people who had strokes or head injuries and suddenly started speaking a foreign language. I could suddently know how to paint. Stranger things have happened.
4. Ron Cunningham - was the oldest escapologist known for eating light bulbs and removing a straitjacket while hanging upside down with his pants on fire. I was inspired by him when I got my arms stuck in a too tight pull-over shirt. No, my pants weren't on fire but my face was turning red and I was get light headed from too little oxygen getting through the pullover covering my mouth and nose. With determination and Ron's inspiration, I escaped from my shirt.
5. Olive Riley - worlds oldest blogger. She was blogging until she was 107 and then complained of a bad cough; two weeks later she died. I'm not sure I can make it to 107 and still remember where my computer - or mind is - but I'm working on this record.
I thank them all for their inspiration. I'm ready to work on becoming my own inspiration - after my nap.
1. Winifred Prestell - Started power lifting at age 60 and at 68 set the world record for her age group by bench pressing 176.2 lbs. I was inspired by her as I was hauling, breathlessly, my 2 cu ft of potting soil from my car to the back yard. I only had to put it down once.
2. Buster Martin - oldest employee at 102 (thanks to poor retirement funds, I think I might beat that record) and oldest marathon runner. I was inspired by him as I decided to walk my dog twice around the block instead of once.
3. Grandma Moses - didn't start painting until she was 76 and only did that because her arthritis made it hard for her to do her embroidery. I was inspired by her when I decided to taking painting lessons within the next 10 years, but I bought my supplies, just in case. I mean, I read about people who had strokes or head injuries and suddenly started speaking a foreign language. I could suddently know how to paint. Stranger things have happened.
4. Ron Cunningham - was the oldest escapologist known for eating light bulbs and removing a straitjacket while hanging upside down with his pants on fire. I was inspired by him when I got my arms stuck in a too tight pull-over shirt. No, my pants weren't on fire but my face was turning red and I was get light headed from too little oxygen getting through the pullover covering my mouth and nose. With determination and Ron's inspiration, I escaped from my shirt.
5. Olive Riley - worlds oldest blogger. She was blogging until she was 107 and then complained of a bad cough; two weeks later she died. I'm not sure I can make it to 107 and still remember where my computer - or mind is - but I'm working on this record.
I thank them all for their inspiration. I'm ready to work on becoming my own inspiration - after my nap.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
What's Up - On my Head?
I came up with another brilliant idea while driving recently. This seems to be where I come up with most of my ideas. Well, sometimes I come up excellent, innovative ideas in bed and know I'll remember them when I get up in the morning - and I do remember that I had a great idea, just not what it was.
I enjoy camping but it seems that by day 2, I look like I should be pushing a shopping cart with my tent in it. By day 3, I look like I rolled in mud and let it dry on my head. I don't understand why my hair does this to me? It's like it's telling me it doesn't like to travel any further than the local Walmart.
Instead of spending time and money on hair products that may still cause people to cross the street when I'm walking toward them, I came up with a brilliant idea - in my car - in case you weren't paying attention.
I would get a wig. My natural hair could protest all it wanted within the confines of a perky little "do" sitting on top of it. Being cost conscious, I started looking for human hair wigs online. I found once called a Mommy wig that looked pretty bad in the picture but the reviews were all glowing. They would say "This wig looks much better in real life than in the online picture. I get lots of compliments when I wear it." That sounded promising to me and for less than $40, including shipping and handling, I decided that this human hair wig sounded perfect for my needs.
I did wonder a little why all of the models wearing the wig were women of color and I questioned if the Janet Collection could possibly have anything to do with Janet Jackson, but it was only for camping, so I proceeded to fill out the order form. There were 2 choices of color, black and an auburn. I decided to go with auburn.
When my package arrived, I noticed that the hair color could better be described as berry red - and berry, berry red in the sunlight. I tried it on and I looked like Conan O'Brien - nice full head of hair, but short and very wavy. The directions said that the curls would loosen if you just sprayed the wig with water. Looking around, I saw no sign of an empty spray bottle - no luck there. I then ran the water in my bathroom sink into my cupped hands and tossed the hand puddle of water on my head. I still had tight curls. Finally I filled a glass with water and poured it on my head while combing my natural hair wig - curls stayed put. If this was indeed a wig made from hair from women of color I started to think that I may not be able to straighten it.
So, I decided to focus on figuring out how to change the hair color to tone it down a bit. Since it's natural hair, it seemed reasonable that hair dye should work. I bought some light brown dye and rubbed it into the wig. My natural hair wig appeared to be water repellent. I still wasn't going to give up on my brilliant idea. I just thought that if I was camping and people saw me go into my camper with medium length brown hair and saw me come out in the morning with a full head of curly, short red hair, it might look a bit odd. And I really hate to look odd.
Not being one to give up on an idea that easily, I knew I had 2 choices. I could either cut, curl and dye my hair - or return the wig.
I just got back from purchasing a home perm kit and vibrant red hair color.
I enjoy camping but it seems that by day 2, I look like I should be pushing a shopping cart with my tent in it. By day 3, I look like I rolled in mud and let it dry on my head. I don't understand why my hair does this to me? It's like it's telling me it doesn't like to travel any further than the local Walmart.
Instead of spending time and money on hair products that may still cause people to cross the street when I'm walking toward them, I came up with a brilliant idea - in my car - in case you weren't paying attention.
I would get a wig. My natural hair could protest all it wanted within the confines of a perky little "do" sitting on top of it. Being cost conscious, I started looking for human hair wigs online. I found once called a Mommy wig that looked pretty bad in the picture but the reviews were all glowing. They would say "This wig looks much better in real life than in the online picture. I get lots of compliments when I wear it." That sounded promising to me and for less than $40, including shipping and handling, I decided that this human hair wig sounded perfect for my needs.
I did wonder a little why all of the models wearing the wig were women of color and I questioned if the Janet Collection could possibly have anything to do with Janet Jackson, but it was only for camping, so I proceeded to fill out the order form. There were 2 choices of color, black and an auburn. I decided to go with auburn.
When my package arrived, I noticed that the hair color could better be described as berry red - and berry, berry red in the sunlight. I tried it on and I looked like Conan O'Brien - nice full head of hair, but short and very wavy. The directions said that the curls would loosen if you just sprayed the wig with water. Looking around, I saw no sign of an empty spray bottle - no luck there. I then ran the water in my bathroom sink into my cupped hands and tossed the hand puddle of water on my head. I still had tight curls. Finally I filled a glass with water and poured it on my head while combing my natural hair wig - curls stayed put. If this was indeed a wig made from hair from women of color I started to think that I may not be able to straighten it.
So, I decided to focus on figuring out how to change the hair color to tone it down a bit. Since it's natural hair, it seemed reasonable that hair dye should work. I bought some light brown dye and rubbed it into the wig. My natural hair wig appeared to be water repellent. I still wasn't going to give up on my brilliant idea. I just thought that if I was camping and people saw me go into my camper with medium length brown hair and saw me come out in the morning with a full head of curly, short red hair, it might look a bit odd. And I really hate to look odd.
Not being one to give up on an idea that easily, I knew I had 2 choices. I could either cut, curl and dye my hair - or return the wig.
I just got back from purchasing a home perm kit and vibrant red hair color.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I Am Edible
As I get older, I worry about what would happen to my dog Seymour if I died alone in my house. Now, I don't mind the fact that I was alone, or that I died necessarily, since we all have to sometime, but I do think about what would happen to Seymour if no one found me for a few days.
I mentioned to my daughter that sometimes I leave my bedroom door ajar so that if I died, Seymour would be able to leave the room and find his food and water. But I don't always do that. Matter of factly my daughter responded, "Don't worry, he'd eat you." Becoming a meal wasn't something that was a concern - before. Now it is. Thanks.
Being pragmatic, I guess it could happen since he would have to survive some way. So, should I bring a big bowl of water into the bedroom each night now? Or should I bring food and water and stave off his animal instincts a bit? But would he choose kibble over fatty protein? Should I eat a lot of garlic each night to make me less tasty - or would he like garlic? Is garlic bad for dogs?
Even during play, Seymour has never even accidentally bit me, so he doesn't know what I taste like. He does lick me a lot. . . could licking be his appetizer? It might just be my imagination, but sometimes I see him looking at me and licking his lips.
Luckily, Seymour is only 7 pounds and not a big eater so even if my daughter didn't come looking for me for a couple of days, I think I would be left mostly intact.
If Seymour died before me, I know I wouldn't eat him, so I can only hope that he would give me the same consideration. Besides, I'm working on being the pack leader and that should have some benefits.
Thanks, dear daughter, for reminding me that I am edible. I needed a new worry. I was running low on them!
I mentioned to my daughter that sometimes I leave my bedroom door ajar so that if I died, Seymour would be able to leave the room and find his food and water. But I don't always do that. Matter of factly my daughter responded, "Don't worry, he'd eat you." Becoming a meal wasn't something that was a concern - before. Now it is. Thanks.
Being pragmatic, I guess it could happen since he would have to survive some way. So, should I bring a big bowl of water into the bedroom each night now? Or should I bring food and water and stave off his animal instincts a bit? But would he choose kibble over fatty protein? Should I eat a lot of garlic each night to make me less tasty - or would he like garlic? Is garlic bad for dogs?
Even during play, Seymour has never even accidentally bit me, so he doesn't know what I taste like. He does lick me a lot. . . could licking be his appetizer? It might just be my imagination, but sometimes I see him looking at me and licking his lips.
Luckily, Seymour is only 7 pounds and not a big eater so even if my daughter didn't come looking for me for a couple of days, I think I would be left mostly intact.
If Seymour died before me, I know I wouldn't eat him, so I can only hope that he would give me the same consideration. Besides, I'm working on being the pack leader and that should have some benefits.
Thanks, dear daughter, for reminding me that I am edible. I needed a new worry. I was running low on them!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Pets for Adoption
I am not looking for another pet but I have to admit I check out the "Pets for Adoption" websites. I think there needs to be rules on those websites. The first one being "If you can not spell your pet's breed, you can't post an ad". Seriously, when I have to sound out the letters to try to figure out what type of dog it is, something is seriously wrong. "Chiouou"? "Spits"? "Dacksun"? Are those really your pets or should I check under the "Lost Pets" ads to see if any of the pictures match? Are they names for "designer dogs" I didn't know about? "Chihuahua + Hound"? "Spitting dog?" "Duck + something fancy"? Or are they all just fancy names for mutts? But it makes me question a $350 rehoming fee for a "Dacksun"? If you want that much, I would think you have some paperwork that shows the correct spelling for the breed.
OK, now that my blood pressure is going back down, the next rule is that I want to know why you are re-homing your perfect pet? Sometimes, I have to read the ads a few times to try to get a clue. If they were honest, their ads would read:
"Beautiful 3 month male Dacksun. Friendly to everyone, crate trained, potty trained, very protective of me. Comes with food, crate and ear plugs."
"One year old Chiouou. Loves to play, needs energetic family. Only barks when it first meets people - or other dogs - or cats - or it's food bowl. Mostly potty trained. Have papers."
"Two year old Spits. Need to rehome by tonight. Great dog but doesn't like men or children and I have a date with a single father tonight."
The last rule would be that the rehoming fee should be less than your rent. What is with a "$450 rehoming fee" to ensure that they go to a good home? Really? It sounds more like you are ensuring that you can keep your good home. I think there have been so many complaints about high rehoming fees that now people write "there is a rehoming fee, contact me for more information". To me, that's like walking into a high end dress shop and not being able to find the prices on the clothes. If they aren't priced, I can't afford them. If I have to call someone to find out the rehoming fee, I better have my loan officer waiting in the wings.
If I ever do get another pet, I will go to a shelter where I know the animals have been checked out physically, emotionally, and given some training - and I know the fees up front. They even sometimes have sales. My dog, Seymour was a "1/2 price" dog from a shelter. He was the best bargain I ever found.
But I still read the ads.
OK, now that my blood pressure is going back down, the next rule is that I want to know why you are re-homing your perfect pet? Sometimes, I have to read the ads a few times to try to get a clue. If they were honest, their ads would read:
"Beautiful 3 month male Dacksun. Friendly to everyone, crate trained, potty trained, very protective of me. Comes with food, crate and ear plugs."
"One year old Chiouou. Loves to play, needs energetic family. Only barks when it first meets people - or other dogs - or cats - or it's food bowl. Mostly potty trained. Have papers."
"Two year old Spits. Need to rehome by tonight. Great dog but doesn't like men or children and I have a date with a single father tonight."
The last rule would be that the rehoming fee should be less than your rent. What is with a "$450 rehoming fee" to ensure that they go to a good home? Really? It sounds more like you are ensuring that you can keep your good home. I think there have been so many complaints about high rehoming fees that now people write "there is a rehoming fee, contact me for more information". To me, that's like walking into a high end dress shop and not being able to find the prices on the clothes. If they aren't priced, I can't afford them. If I have to call someone to find out the rehoming fee, I better have my loan officer waiting in the wings.
If I ever do get another pet, I will go to a shelter where I know the animals have been checked out physically, emotionally, and given some training - and I know the fees up front. They even sometimes have sales. My dog, Seymour was a "1/2 price" dog from a shelter. He was the best bargain I ever found.
But I still read the ads.
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