I went to a lovely memorial service for the husband of a friend. It was filled with humorous stories, songs - and a photo montage of his life. It made me think about being in a long relationship with lots of history and memories - and photos. What if the long relationship ended with my mate passing away before me?
They would go through all of our photos and pick out the best ones of him to flash on a screen to the crowd of mourners. Of course they would need to choose the pictures where he looked best, but unfortunately I guarantee those would not be the ones where I looked even presentable in public. When he looked best, I'd have my eyes 1/2 open, my tongue lolling out one side of my mouth, or my head would be angled in such a way that it would look twice it's normal size.
I take awful pictures. Sure, I'd be upset that I lost my long time partner - but I don't think that should mean that I would also have to lose my dignity through displaying my monkey faced pictures. Also, I think the mourners would find it hard to ignore the woman in the photo (me) and I'm sure the crying would turn to hysterical laughter. Staying single is my way of saving some man the embarrassment of a humorous memorial service. I'm doing my part for mankind - and getting ready to go Photoshop my own pictures - just in case.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
What Are Friends For?
One day last week I was busy running around, packing, moving and going here and there around town. I wasn't dressed in my cleanest and prettiest clothes, but I was presentable. Toward the end of the day, a friend asked if I wanted to meet for dinner and since I was too tired to cook, and didn't want to clean up, we decided to meet at an outdoor casual restaurant. I was early so I walked around to the various shops nearby and finally headed to the restaurant. Now, the thing about my friend is if I had broccoli hanging on a tooth or my blouse totally unbuttoned, he probably wouldn't say anything. I don't know if he doesn't notice, is embarrassed to tell me or is going blind.
We left the restaurant, walking up the 3 outdoor flights of stairs, with him behind me. We hugged and I headed to the grocery store for a few quick essentials, ice cream, cookies and Diet Coke. I hurried into the grocery store and for some reason thought my pants felt looser. I reached behind me and felt a tremendous tear in my pants - a butt cheek sized hole.
Just then my friend walked in and I said "Did you know I had a hole in my pants?" He evasively responded "Do you have on any underwear?" in the same voice he would use to order a cup of coffee. "YES but it must have crept up" I panicked as I tried to nonchalantly dig around for my underwear. In a very calm voice he told me I needed to pull my pants up and my shirt down as he headed to the fruit aisle. Not caring if I had a camel toe, I yanked my pants as high up my stomach as I could while trying to stretch my short tee shirt down over my bum. He was pretty much at the other end of the store before I could ask him to check again. Maybe it's not as bad as it feels, I reasoned.
I did have those few groceries to get so I did my best to bend at the knees, hold down my tee and juggle my groceries in one hand. I had one recyclable grocery bag with me but it wasn't big enough to cover - my exposure, not to mention that it would have looked strange having a red bag stuffed into the back of my pants. I finally headed to the checkout while tugging one handed to pull up my pants, pull down my shirt and hold on to my groceries. Just as I was on the last stretch to a cash register, a young man behind me said "Hey lady, you have a hole in your pants". Someone finally verbalized that the Emperor Had No Clothes.
I thought about how many places I had been that day, how many people, including my friend could not have helped but notice my chubby cheek hanging out, yet no one gave me the "heads - or butts up". No one except for that young high school boy. And he didn't even laugh as he told me the news. That "hole in my pants" turned out to be a foot long split down the center of my right butt cheek. Friends should not let friends expose themselves - even if it makes for a great story.
We left the restaurant, walking up the 3 outdoor flights of stairs, with him behind me. We hugged and I headed to the grocery store for a few quick essentials, ice cream, cookies and Diet Coke. I hurried into the grocery store and for some reason thought my pants felt looser. I reached behind me and felt a tremendous tear in my pants - a butt cheek sized hole.
Just then my friend walked in and I said "Did you know I had a hole in my pants?" He evasively responded "Do you have on any underwear?" in the same voice he would use to order a cup of coffee. "YES but it must have crept up" I panicked as I tried to nonchalantly dig around for my underwear. In a very calm voice he told me I needed to pull my pants up and my shirt down as he headed to the fruit aisle. Not caring if I had a camel toe, I yanked my pants as high up my stomach as I could while trying to stretch my short tee shirt down over my bum. He was pretty much at the other end of the store before I could ask him to check again. Maybe it's not as bad as it feels, I reasoned.
I did have those few groceries to get so I did my best to bend at the knees, hold down my tee and juggle my groceries in one hand. I had one recyclable grocery bag with me but it wasn't big enough to cover - my exposure, not to mention that it would have looked strange having a red bag stuffed into the back of my pants. I finally headed to the checkout while tugging one handed to pull up my pants, pull down my shirt and hold on to my groceries. Just as I was on the last stretch to a cash register, a young man behind me said "Hey lady, you have a hole in your pants". Someone finally verbalized that the Emperor Had No Clothes.
I thought about how many places I had been that day, how many people, including my friend could not have helped but notice my chubby cheek hanging out, yet no one gave me the "heads - or butts up". No one except for that young high school boy. And he didn't even laugh as he told me the news. That "hole in my pants" turned out to be a foot long split down the center of my right butt cheek. Friends should not let friends expose themselves - even if it makes for a great story.
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