My Dog Has Become - An Animal!

I should have expected it. It's like when my kids started kindergarden - something changed. Prior to K, they were sweet, thought I knew everything, and pretty much worshipped me - mainly for the rides I could give them to fun places, the toys I would purchase for them, and the snacks only I could make for them. Then came the big change! They walked into the K door an innocent child and came out a know-it-all, mom-knows-nothing, punk kid. I was in shock the first time that happened but by the time my second child started kindergarden, I was dreading, but expecting the change. Now I understand why parents want to home school.

The same thing is happening with my sweet little quiet, innocent dog/human, Seymour. It just took him a few extra days to make the change. He went into doggie daycare as a naive little dog and came out like an - animal! First, I noticed that his loyalty to me was waning - he looked forward to leaving me in the morning to be held in the arms of another woman. Then he went from a dog that wouldn't bark if someone knocked on the door to an animal that barked at tree stumps. But the worst thing is that he's starting to smell like a wet dog - all the time. He goes in to his daycare smelling of lavendar and comes out smelling of doggie poo and doggie breath, but with a smile plastered on his face.

He no longer wanted to sleep with me so I had to bribe him by lifting him into bed and massaging him until his knees and eyelids both dropped. He's not happy that he has lost control of his bedtime "attitude", but his need for a massage is a little more important than control. This gives me a flicker of hope that I can slowly get my little boy back and eventually make him forget he is an - animal. I couldn't save my kids from growing up and learning that I wasn't as smart as they are, but I think I have a chance with my dog, thanks to the fact that he'll never learn to drive, text or read self-help books. I just might get my boy back.

Baggers' Humor

The job as a grocery bagger isn't glam or high paying. Most people hardly notice them, unless they do something wrong. So they have to at least make their job entertaining - for themselves. Now that I realize that, I can appreciate- but still not like - their antics. Like when they put a bag of donuts on the counter in front of the customer, instead of in a bag - notice they don't ever look at you when they do that - probably because they couldn't hold back the laughter if they did.

I especially like how they put a loaf of bread in a bag by itself yet put four, three liter bottles of soda in another bag. When you go to pick up both bags, you feel one arm being pulled out of it's socket as it stretches toward the ground while the other arm is lifting something so light it causes you to lose your balance and look like someone put a cane around your neck and is quickly dragging you out of the store - sideways. I think the baggers like that move the best.

What about the baggers that stop to look at what you bought and then covertly stare at you. "Yes, I bought 3 large boxes of extra long maxi pads - but I'm doing a craft project." "Yes, that is a six-pack of fleet enemas, but they are for my neighbor". "Yes, I remember that I bought 2 jumbo bags of Halloween candy 2 days ago, and you commented on that then, also." "Yes, those are rat and roach traps - do you want to come over for dinner?" And why do I think I have to explain anything to those "paper or plastic" demons?


Seriously, if I didn't get so confused at the self-checkout stations, I would not put myself through that torment. Now, when I check out, I not only look at the length of the line, but also at who is doing the bagging. ("I can't go to that bagger. He saw me buy 4 Weight Watcher's Dinners, a bag of potato chips and a Boston Cream Pie - yesterday) I've even taken to wearing different hats and sunglasses, but those baggers must have to have photographic memory skills to be hired.

When my daughter was little, she went through a phase where she would not go out of the house with me unless she had a paper bag over her head - I think she was on to something! "Paper, please!"

At Least I'm Consistent

I don't get it. Just about every time I have to make a choice - I choose wrong. I know there are other people like me, especially in grocery stores. You scan the check-out lines to pick the shortest one or the one with people with the fewest groceries and find that "perfect" line - you think. Nope, you again chose the wrong line. But, there seems to always be someone else in the same line who comments that they too, end up choosing the line with people needing a price check, a personal check written, or a mental check. I wish I could discretely ask people in my line if they are check-out challenged, so I can make a less wrong choice. I could lie, to no one in particular "I am pretty good at choosing check out lines" and if someone comments, "Well, I'm glad I'm in your line", I can respond - to no one in particular - "Oh, I forgot to get . . ." and quickly leave that line. I just don't want to find myself looking like the Pied Piper with hapless shoppers following me to my check out line thinking I'm the chosen one.

So, I am now having to drive in traffic every day to a new job. For part of the trip, there are 3 lanes. Since I have had lots of time sitting in traffic, watching cars all around me whizzing by, I've done some mental calculations of which lane I should be in at what part of my trip. I usually give it two days of "study" before I make the "lane" committment. It seems that the left or right hand lanes move faster than the middle lane. So, I choose, say, the right lane - the faster, don't use it unless you are speeding lane - and traffic screeches to a halt moments after someone finally lets me in. I can not understand why the "fast" lane is at a dead stop when the other 2 lanes are breezing by. How can the right lane, where people are entering the freeway, be traffic - free while I sit at a stand still entertaining myself by trying to name all 50 States - and capitals - and flowers. I'm thinking of getting a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you always choose the wrong lane" so I have a bit of help here.

Is George Burns my guardian angel? I can just see him laughing so hard, he's choking on his cigar and thanking his lucky stars he was matched with me. I do believe the voice in my head, helping me to make choices is a raspy male voice - I'm just saying.

Top Chef and Other Cooking Shows

I get a lot of pleasure watching cooking shows. I haven't figured out why because I'm not much of a cook, nor do I want to be. But when I do want to cook, I have about 50 different cook books to make me feel inadequate. What I find interesting is that in all of these cooking shows, no one uses a recipe! How is that possible? Even when I make something from memory, like a smoothie, I forget to put something in it. After I taste it, I'll remember that I should have added a banana or if I have to eat it with a spoon and chisel, I will remember that I need to add more liquid next time.

These people make fancy dishes like homemade pasta and stuffed frog legs - recipe free! And I don't see any Sarah Palin-like writing on their hands, either. I really am impressed with their memories. I can't even tell you the name of a movie I saw last week, let alone the ingredients in Baba Ghanoush. I have no idea what that is, but I like saying it.

I think I might do better on a show liked "Chopped". That is where 4 chefs are given a number of strange ingredients in a basket and they have to make an appetizer, main course or dessert. None really know what they are going to make so they pretty much wing it. I can do that. I can grab a bunch of ingredients, toss them together, cook them, throw some sauce on top and give it to the judges to taste. I wouldn't even think of trying my food myself. It might be fun to even be the first one eliminated just to see some judges have to eat what I threw together. That would be priceless - and prizeless!

Maybe I'm enamoured with these shows because even experienced chefs all get kicked off and there is only one winner. It makes me feel that I'm in the majority - the the bottom majority, but that's good enough. Food is for eating - not cooking!