The Amazing Race - Old Folks Style

I am addicted to "The Amazing Race" and have dreamed about participating in it. As much as I would like to believe that I could get through a few of the legs of the race, I think I need a more "age-appropriate" race.

I've devised a Race for us older, but don't think we're old, folks that still enjoy a challenge.

Leg 1 - Drink 1 quart of water and run 2 blocks to a locked restroom - find the correct key to unlock the door and then find the stall that is in working order and use it. If you dribble anywhere along the way, you must start over. The last person to arrive may be eliminated or may be given Depends to use during the next leg of the race.

Leg 2 - Roadblock - only one person can do this. Look in the refrigerator and pantry to find 10 picture of items that you need to buy at the grocery store. Without writing them down, run 2 blocks to the store while wearing an ipod playing "Born to be Wild". Purchase all 10 items and take them back to the house. Replace each picture with the item you purchased. If you forget an item or items, you must go back and get them - again wearing your ipod. If you need to make more than 3 trips, you may be eliminated and sent to cognitive therapy.

Leg 3 - Drive your car 5 miles behind senior citizens going to a discounted early lunch buffet. You have 10 minutes to get to the location on your map. You are not allowed to curse at the other drivers. Your blood pressure must be in the normal range when you reach your destination or you may be eliminated - or taken to the emergency room.

Leg 4 - Learn the moves to Beyonce's "Put a Ring On It" and do the dance for a preschool class. If they feel that you did it right, they will give you your next clue. You are not allowed to argue with the preschoolers - they know the moves.

Leg 5 - Set a VCR to record a "season pass" to two shows, "Real World" and "Keeping Up With The Kardashians", then re-set the clock on a sports watch to Day Light Savings Time. When you do these correctly, make your way to the finish line at Happy Trails Nursing Home. The first to arrive will receive one year of free care at the nursing home and 52 coupons for the buffet special down the street. Good Luck!

Now I just need to know - Where do I sign up?