Spacelessness

There are times when I want to be alone - or at least have my own space. I'm beginning to think that I'm the rare bird. Like when I go into a public restroom - I love it when I have a choice of stalls! I walk past each, giving the door a little flip while I check the cleanliness of each. When I find the perfect one, I relax into my space. If I make a little "noise", I'm far enough away from the person at the other end of the room to not have to flush a few extra times, if you know what I mean! Invariably, the next person who comes in chooses the stall right next to mine. The restroom can be empty except for me - and the only other shoes I see are in the stall next to me.

Do I have some kind of bathroom pheromone that draws people to me?

The same thing happens on planes. The plane can be full except for the middle seats - they're all pretty much available. I can have my books, purse and coat on the middle seat and the first woman who walks in is magnetically drawn to the seat next to me. And it's not like they want to talk - they just have an irresistible urge to sit there. I'm watching everyone else on the plane stretching, elbows out as if there are getting ready to fly the plane themselves - while I'm squished against the window trying to do everything as if my arms had been tied against my waist. My range of motion consists of a limited front-ward movement of my forearms. Have you ever tried to open a peanut bag and drink you soda while your elbows feel like they are super glued to your sides? It does not make for a relaxing 2 hour flight.

And the woman in the middle seat acts oblivious to the grunts I make every time I try to turn the page on my newspaper or work on a sudoku puzzle. She seems perfectly content.

There is nothing special about me but maybe that's the draw. I'm pretty unassuming and look harmless. I am thinking of trying to change my image for the sake of some extra space. I'm pretty sure all it would take would be a clown wig for the plane and clown feet for the restroom. But, I'm afraid that the wig might draw the attention of airport security so maybe I could just put in fake rotten teeth and smile broadly at any woman looking my way. But with my luck, the woman will be a dentist with a lot of business cards.

I just thought of the perfect solution - one little item that can work for both the rest room and the middle seat. Easy to carry and easy to use - fake vomit.

Wish me luck!