Phlegm-o-matic

I think that one of the worst words in the English language is "phlegm". It isn't just the meaning of the word (which is gross), but also the way it is pronounced (it almost causes excretion when you say it) and the way the letters don't seem to belong together. There is nothing good about it. People don't like to say or hear that word. We say "I'm stuffed up", instead of "I'm phlegmmy" or "My nose won't stop running" instead of "The phlegm is coming out of every orifice in my head". And why is it that phlegm comes from the throat but a "discharge" comes from the nose? It's all phlegm in my mind and in my head right now.

While alternately sniffing and honking, I'm writing this tirade on a plane while simultaneously trying to find as many not-too-wet tissues as I can to get me through the 2 hour flight. I can't wait for my drink to come so that I have a new dry napkin to blow my nose with. As soon as the "seat belt" light goes off, I'm heading to the restroom to unroll a pile of toilet paper and put it up my sleeve so I don't look ridiculous walking back to my seat. I'd rather look like someone with a large tumor on her arm than someone stealing toilet paper. OK, I have a shred of pride left even if people are staring at my red, runny nose and watery eyes. I feel bad for the guy next to me. My bodily functions are hard to ignore.

I am also silently cursing the one thing in my body that works flawlessly - my phlegm making gland. Of course it couldn't be my fat-burning gland.

The word phlegm comes into my head about 10 months out of the year because that's how often I have allergic reactions to something no matter where I am in the world. How is that even possible? I'm wondering if there is a way to cut out my phlegm-producing organ - along with my appendix. Neither are essential to my thinking. Runny eyes would be no problem since I always have at least 2 pair of sunglasses with me. (by accident because I seem to always have an extra pair in the dark recesses of my purse)

I can deal with the phlegm in the privacy of my home. My animals sometimes sit up and look me in the eye when they are fed up with the nose-blowing but they still accept me for who I am - their food supplier and walker.

In the meantime, I am checking my watch every 10 minutes to see how close we are to landing. I'm trying to decide if I should tell the guy next to me that I'm not contagious, I'm just a bit "phlegmmy" or just have excessive "discharge" from my nose - or maybe I'll just let him continue to pretend to be asleep.