Record Holders Beware

When I was young, I really wanted to be in the Guinness Book of World Records. I read through one the books to see which record I could break. I decided that I should pick something not too physical, but that would make a statement. I went for "the world's longest paper chain". I don't remember how long the record was back then but when my chain was almost long enough to circle my house, I stopped. There were 2 reasons for stopping - first, my fingers were hurting from cutting and taping each circle - and second, I didn't have money for any more construction paper. And seriously, where would I store it? As a little kid, I had to share my room with my sister and also share the closet. I don't think my sister would have been happy if I had taken her clothes out of the closet so I could use her side for my paper chain storage.

I just looked up the latest information on the current longest paper chain - and it was set in 2005 at 54.33 miles! I want to know whose mother paid for all of that construction paper?

The reason I was thinking about Records today was that I was attempting to paint an area in my house and I think I'm right up there as the World's Worst Painter. I'll need to see if that Record can be added to the revised edition.

All I wanted to do was paint a small area around some windows and wood trim. First I tried to paint without taping - two brush strokes and 10 paper towels later, I decided to tape. It didn't really make much of a difference because my brush seemed to repel paint and no matter how gently I lowered into the bucket and wiped the excess on the side of the can, as soon as I brought the paintbrush to the wall, globs of paint splattered like saliva from a St Bernard. I think that the manufacturer of my paint brush are the same evil people who make the useless hand dryers in restrooms. No one comes out of the restroom with dry hands unless they either don't wash their hands (and I don't want to think about that) or they end up drying their hands on their clothes. I digress -

When I finally got paint to stick to the small overhang over the window, and I leaned down to paint the lower portion (I know, I know, paint low to high but I am going for the World's Worst, remember), a big dollop as thick as Elmer's Glue fell on my head. As I reached up to feel where it landed, I stepped in another puddle of paint and carried it around the floor on my shoe. I grabbed more paper towels but my clean up attempt was more of a "spread out" endeavor. Did I accidentally buy those liquid-repelling paper towels, also?

An hour later, I was covered in paint, the floor was spackled white, the paint brush looked almost new except for the handle part that did hold paint, and the wall was still virgin plaster.

I could have gotten upset but instead tried to make it into a positive experience. If Guinness doesn't have a category for me, I'm going to recommend that they add it. I might finally be in the Record book and I won't even have to ask my mother for more construction paper money.